Well Ardley has been in wales this week. It has been really tough for me, especially the second day he told me there was a 17 year old girl from Poland who liked the same music as him. He appeared to really click with her and he was going to get drunk with her being the first time he was ever going to get drunk. It was upsetting to hear.

Anyway it wasn’t worth the worry because Allen got with the Polish girl anyway and then she turned out to be not very nice.

So now I’m in Devon and it’s quite nice to be away from everything, but there are lots of quiet moments and if I get bored I think about Ardley lots. And then I miss him lots. Then I want to be with him even more. And I can’t stop thinking about when I get my results and how I would really love for him to be there. Not to go with me because my family would find it weird, but if he was just waiting for me outside Long Road with a bunch of flowers for congratulations or just a shoulder to cry on if I am dissapointed. Although if I saw him again I would just run to him and hug him so tight. Makes me want to cry just thinking about seeing him again.

I really am starting to miss Ardley lots. It really hurts. I can’t help thinking he has changed and he wouldn’t want to lose me again so if we tried again he would make the effort and not control me like before. That is my heart and emotions talking. I know in my head it wouldn’t work and in like 5 minutes it would be just how it used to be with me unhappy and feeling even worse the second time around.

It doesn’t help that this week Mum and Adrian split up and when I see my mum unhappy I feel helpless, and it’s hard to think I don’t have Ardley to turn to like before. And it seems so weird how my situation with Ardley and Mum’s situation with Adrian are so similar. The only difference is the timing of our lives. Both Ardley and Adrian are suffering and need help. Mum wants to help Adrian in every way she can, and my family are encouraging her to help him, but he doesn’t want this help. Ardley wants my help more than anything, but the position in life im in right now, it isn’t convinient for me and my family don’t want my life ruined or controlled. Which I understand but I just can’t help thinking, if two people love each other then why can’t they be together? I remember Ardley always used to say couples only work when they are convinient for each other. I never believed him, I always thought, ‘No! love should always win’ but I guess he was right. Uni would be way to hard for us to cope with. But now Ardley is going back to college it feels completly different.

Granny-Jane helped me a bit yesterday. Because I got so upset I couldn’t hold it so I just cried about how much I missed him. How things kept reminding me of him. How I kept getting upset that we would never do certain things together again, silly things like getting fish and chips again.  She just told me not to think like that. Life is funny and if we are meant to be together again life will throw us together again. That helped a lot.

It’s just harder because I ended and If I want him back it’s admitting that I made a mistake. Also it’s harder for me to be stronger, I can’t give in. I just can’t do it again. I’m worried to the pain I would go through again, the pain Ardley would go through and the pain my friends and family would go through.

It just hurts a lot.

Well me and Ardley I think have come to an agreement to be friends again.

I was really upset last night and couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I kept tossing and turning. So I just wanted to it all of my chest. I started writing a text to him, not intending to send it, just to make me feel better, I just had lots of unanswered questions. Anyway I accidently sent it. I cancelled it as soon as I realised, and didn’t think he would have got it. But about 5 minutes later he was ringing me cos he got some of the text.

He explained he was happy I sent it because he hadn’t been sure how I’d been feeling and he wanted to understand more. He wanted to be there for me again. And we were just talking like friends again, it was very nice. And it was that phone call that made me realise the thing I miss the most is just having a friend to talk to about anything. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend I lost a best friend too, and last night was good. He said it was nice talking to me again, and I could tell he was generally happy that it was happening. I’m just worried that he might now think there is a future for us. And I don’t want either of us to have any sort of baggage when he starts CRC and when I start at Southampton. I don’t want us being friends hold us back from moving on. But he will be in wales on saturday and then Newcastle so I will probably not be on his mind so much then. And when he comes back I will probably be preparing for New York or actually in NEW YORK!!! YAYAYAYAY!

Well at least I don’t feel sad or hurt now. And I got some of my questions answered which helps a lot. And he apologised for all the nasty things he did. I know he still did them, and I am still angry at him for that, and him saying sorry isn’t gonna just change my feelings over night. But it does help me feel better.

Now I’m just trying to focus on Uni, looking at Halls and which I think are the best to stay in. Been talking to a girl called Lizzie and she seems nice and knows a lot more about Southampton than I do!

Now it’s just about moving on and fresh starts.

I was right. Some form of contact from Ardley and I have been set back. He sent me an nice email last night saying thank you. And I was back to square one again, in bed and not wanting to see anyone or do anything. And I dreamt of him again. So again he was the first thing on my mind. But the email meant closure.

Now its officially over. No more phone calls or texts, no more random turning up and not even any nasty comments. Ardley has excepted its the end now. And all I feel is sad. So so sad. Its like I didn’t think it was real whilst all the drama happened. And I guess a part of me thought Ardley would do something amazing and I would know he was the one.

When he did all those nasty things it was easy being angry at him. Now he is being nice again and I just feel hurt and I miss him. I know how he treated me was wrong and my friends and family have made me come to terms with these facts, and I know it would only ever work ever again is if he got lots of councilling and help for his depression.  But when he sends nice emails, It really hurts that I will never see him again. Maybe this was all part of his plan to ignore me for a few days then send an email, knowing I’d latch onto it reading every word 20 times through. But he sounds like he is ready to move on. And I will be too.

Anyway I have Emma’s party to look forward to next saturday. And now Philippa and Sophie are coming with me it should be great. But I need some serious heel training between now and then so I can at least walk let alone dance.

I had my friends over yesterday for a sleepover to talk about all the Ardley drama and just so I could have some girls to distract me and be shoulder to cry on! Although I didn’t cry at all! I think it is helping that Ardley isn’t talking to me because it is helping me move on slowly. I know if I heard anything from him again, whether nice or nasty, it would be a set back for me!

Anyway yesterday! Sophie got the day off work so we went shopping, and I got make-up! Not much just the basics, but still felt nice and girly to buy it. Couldn’t believe how much girls spend on make up, but I didn’t feel so bad with the amount I spent because Sophie spent at least £10 more! I just need to get used to it I spose.

Then me and Sophie went for lunch and talked about Ardley and what had happened over the past few days. She surprised me how angry she was at him, said she wanted to hit him, which I thought was funny. But then lots of people have said they want to hit him because he hurt me so much. But I don’t feel any anger or aggresion towards him. If I think about him now, I just feel incredible sadness. Mum thinks thats worrying, but I just think I turn all my aggression into sadness, and I always have done. I feel too hurt to be angry. Maybe one day when I think back to this time, when I have fully moved on, I will feel angry. Angry at Ardley for doing all the things he did to me, but angry at myself for being with him so long and letting it get to the stage it did. And for not noticing the signs of his spoilt behaviour.

Being with all the girls really helped me realise I haven’t lost that much, even if I do still miss him like crazy and think about him loads and generally feel down without him. I’m getting through it. Then Philippa had an Idea to go to the pub for our first ‘18 drink’ which was fun getting dressed up for, although I didn’t feel very confident in the strappy top, and was struggling lots in the heals! But it was funny.

Just talking to the girls made me realise how, I guess, trapped I had been in the old relationship. Sophie said it was good to have ‘the old Soph back’ which felt nice. And I was able to dance and sing again without feeling stupid. Although ironically the first song I went crazy to, dancing and singing, was Nine Inch Nails, which was one of Ardley’s favourite bands, but I just loved the song so much! And I felt much better afterwards.

I think the whole thing thats happened and being with my friends made me realise I’m actually quite normal. I’m not strange or stupid or even chavy. These are all things at some point I felt with Ardley. But Im just a teenage girl, and Im gonna start having as much fun as possible. With make-up or not, with heels or not. Its now up to me, without any voices in my head.

Also a good sign was that last night was the first night since we broke up that I didn’t dream about him. Not the usual one good nice dream where we are happy together, and one nasty dream where we are not together and its all horrible. I didn’t dream of him at all. But it might have been the alcohol. Well I will soon find out tonight.

Well now I haven’t heard from Ardley all day yesterday and not at all today, even though its only half 9 this morning. It hurts but at least it’s helping me move on. And now I’m looking forward to focusing on Uni.

Adrian went to the Ardley house last night and gave the letter to Ardley’s Dad. Apparently Ardley accused me of saying things to him and his friends. Which is hard to hear but I think he is just shifting the blame. Also Adrian heard Ardley say he has ‘moved on’, which I find incredibly difficult to believe when only tuesday I could still run to and he was always there for me. It just seems to have turned nasty because I cancelled my bebo profile. So all I can think is that Ardley is hiding his feelings and keeping the true feelings bottled up, or he just didn’t love me as much as he claimed.

Well today is a new day and although Im still dreaming of him everynight, so in effect he is still the first person I think of when I get up, I have my friends to cater for today, and Sophie will be over shortly so I should get dressed and make myself feel pretty. I can actually wear make-up and do what I want with my hair without Ardley making me feel ugly!

I know there are positives that we aren’t together anymore, I just need to keep reminding myself of them!

Well I am starting a blog to help me get my feelings of my chest about my ex boyfriend Ardley. It helps to write about it all. But also thought it would be a good idea to get into the habbit of writing on here so I will do it University. This way all my friends and family can keep up-to-date with my adventures at Southampton.

Hopefully this will be a big help to me!