Time Away.

Well Ardley has been in wales this week. It has been really tough for me, especially the second day he told me there was a 17 year old girl from Poland who liked the same music as him. He appeared to really click with her and he was going to get drunk with her being the first time he was ever going to get drunk. It was upsetting to hear.

Anyway it wasn’t worth the worry because Allen got with the Polish girl anyway and then she turned out to be not very nice.

So now I’m in Devon and it’s quite nice to be away from everything, but there are lots of quiet moments and if I get bored I think about Ardley lots. And then I miss him lots. Then I want to be with him even more. And I can’t stop thinking about when I get my results and how I would really love for him to be there. Not to go with me because my family would find it weird, but if he was just waiting for me outside Long Road with a bunch of flowers for congratulations or just a shoulder to cry on if I am dissapointed. Although if I saw him again I would just run to him and hug him so tight. Makes me want to cry just thinking about seeing him again.

I really am starting to miss Ardley lots. It really hurts. I can’t help thinking he has changed and he wouldn’t want to lose me again so if we tried again he would make the effort and not control me like before. That is my heart and emotions talking. I know in my head it wouldn’t work and in like 5 minutes it would be just how it used to be with me unhappy and feeling even worse the second time around.

It doesn’t help that this week Mum and Adrian split up and when I see my mum unhappy I feel helpless, and it’s hard to think I don’t have Ardley to turn to like before. And it seems so weird how my situation with Ardley and Mum’s situation with Adrian are so similar. The only difference is the timing of our lives. Both Ardley and Adrian are suffering and need help. Mum wants to help Adrian in every way she can, and my family are encouraging her to help him, but he doesn’t want this help. Ardley wants my help more than anything, but the position in life im in right now, it isn’t convinient for me and my family don’t want my life ruined or controlled. Which I understand but I just can’t help thinking, if two people love each other then why can’t they be together? I remember Ardley always used to say couples only work when they are convinient for each other. I never believed him, I always thought, ‘No! love should always win’ but I guess he was right. Uni would be way to hard for us to cope with. But now Ardley is going back to college it feels completly different.

Granny-Jane helped me a bit yesterday. Because I got so upset I couldn’t hold it so I just cried about how much I missed him. How things kept reminding me of him. How I kept getting upset that we would never do certain things together again, silly things like getting fish and chips again.  She just told me not to think like that. Life is funny and if we are meant to be together again life will throw us together again. That helped a lot.

It’s just harder because I ended and If I want him back it’s admitting that I made a mistake. Also it’s harder for me to be stronger, I can’t give in. I just can’t do it again. I’m worried to the pain I would go through again, the pain Ardley would go through and the pain my friends and family would go through.

It just hurts a lot.

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