Help from my friends.

I had my friends over yesterday for a sleepover to talk about all the Ardley drama and just so I could have some girls to distract me and be shoulder to cry on! Although I didn’t cry at all! I think it is helping that Ardley isn’t talking to me because it is helping me move on slowly. I know if I heard anything from him again, whether nice or nasty, it would be a set back for me!

Anyway yesterday! Sophie got the day off work so we went shopping, and I got make-up! Not much just the basics, but still felt nice and girly to buy it. Couldn’t believe how much girls spend on make up, but I didn’t feel so bad with the amount I spent because Sophie spent at least £10 more! I just need to get used to it I spose.

Then me and Sophie went for lunch and talked about Ardley and what had happened over the past few days. She surprised me how angry she was at him, said she wanted to hit him, which I thought was funny. But then lots of people have said they want to hit him because he hurt me so much. But I don’t feel any anger or aggresion towards him. If I think about him now, I just feel incredible sadness. Mum thinks thats worrying, but I just think I turn all my aggression into sadness, and I always have done. I feel too hurt to be angry. Maybe one day when I think back to this time, when I have fully moved on, I will feel angry. Angry at Ardley for doing all the things he did to me, but angry at myself for being with him so long and letting it get to the stage it did. And for not noticing the signs of his spoilt behaviour.

Being with all the girls really helped me realise I haven’t lost that much, even if I do still miss him like crazy and think about him loads and generally feel down without him. I’m getting through it. Then Philippa had an Idea to go to the pub for our first ‘18 drink’ which was fun getting dressed up for, although I didn’t feel very confident in the strappy top, and was struggling lots in the heals! But it was funny.

Just talking to the girls made me realise how, I guess, trapped I had been in the old relationship. Sophie said it was good to have ‘the old Soph back’ which felt nice. And I was able to dance and sing again without feeling stupid. Although ironically the first song I went crazy to, dancing and singing, was Nine Inch Nails, which was one of Ardley’s favourite bands, but I just loved the song so much! And I felt much better afterwards.

I think the whole thing thats happened and being with my friends made me realise I’m actually quite normal. I’m not strange or stupid or even chavy. These are all things at some point I felt with Ardley. But Im just a teenage girl, and Im gonna start having as much fun as possible. With make-up or not, with heels or not. Its now up to me, without any voices in my head.

Also a good sign was that last night was the first night since we broke up that I didn’t dream about him. Not the usual one good nice dream where we are happy together, and one nasty dream where we are not together and its all horrible. I didn’t dream of him at all. But it might have been the alcohol. Well I will soon find out tonight.

---